What Is Relationship Counselling? An FAQ:

Over the years, I have worked with many couples who have found themselves struggling in their relationship. Sometimes they come to counselling after a particular event or crisis, while for others the difficulties have built up gradually over time.

One of the things I have found in my work with couples is that there is rarely one simple reason why a relationship becomes difficult. Communication can break down, arguments can become repetitive, or couples can become so busy with work, family and everyday life that they lose their connection with each other.

People often have questions about what relationship counselling involves, and whether it is something that could help them. Here are some of the questions I am often asked.

What is relationship counselling?

Relationship counselling provides a space for couples to talk about difficulties in their relationship with the support of a counsellor.

In my experience, couples often know that they are unhappy or that something isn't working, but can find it difficult to talk about it without the conversation turning into another argument. Counselling can help to slow these conversations down and allow both people to be heard.

It is not about finger pointing or assigning blame. Rather, it is about understanding each-other's point of view and learning tools for better communication.

Do we need to have serious problems before coming to counselling?

No.

Some couples come when their relationship is already under considerable strain, while others come because they have noticed that they are becoming disconnectedand want to do something about it.

In my experience, all couples can benefit from having somewhere to talk about difficulties before they become bigger problems. You don't have to wait until things have reached crisis point.

Is counselling about deciding who is right or wrong?

No. This is one of the common concerns I hear from couples.

My role is not to take sides or decide who is right. I am on the side of the relationship! Both people need to have anopportunity to talk about their experience and feel heard.

Often, when couples are caught in a pattern of arguing, each person can become focused on getting their own point across. Counselling can help create space to understand what is happening from the other person's perspective.

What if we argue during the session?

Couples rarely come to counselling with good communication skills! Seeing how a couple communicate (yes, including argue) can really help me to identify some areas of improvement.

Arguments and disagreements are a normal part of relationships. What can become problematic is when the same arguments happen repeatedly and neither person feels understood.

I have worked with many couples who have become stuck in these patterns. Part of the counselling process can be recognising these patterns and finding different ways of communicating.

What do couples come to counselling about?

There are many different reasons couples seek counselling.

Some have grown apart and want to find a way to reconnect. Others are experiencing difficulties around money, family or parenting. Some couples are dealing with a loss of trust or unfaithfulness within the relationship.

I also see couples who have lots of arguments that leave both people feeling hurt and frustrated, even though they may struggle to identify what started the pattern in the first place.

Every relationship is different, so counselling is tailored to the particular difficulties you are experiencing.

Can counselling help after unfaithfulness?

Yes.

Unfaithfulness can have a significant impact on a relationship and can leave both people trying to make sense of what has happened.

Counselling can provide a space to talk about what happened, the impact it has had and what happens next. For some couples, the focus may be on rebuilding trustand working on the relationship. For others, counselling may help them consider whether they want to continue the relationship.

There is no single outcome that counselling is trying to achieve. My role is to help you explore what is happening and support you in having those difficult conversations.

Does coming to counselling mean we have to stay together?

No.

Couples sometimes come to counselling because they want to improve their relationship, while others are unsure whether they want to remain together.

Counselling can also be helpful when a couple is considering separation, particularly if they want to find a way of communicating with each other that is less conflictual and more respectful.

What happens in the first session?

The first session is an opportunity for me to get an understanding of what has brought you to counselling and what you would both like help with.

I know that coming to the first session can feel daunting, particularly if you have been having difficulties for some time. You don't need to know exactly what to say or have everything worked out beforehand.

I will guide the conversation and make sure that both people have an opportunity to talk.

How can relationship counselling help?

One of the things I hear regularly from couples is that the counselling session becomes the one hour a week where they are focused on each-other, rather than the million other things that need their attention.

For some couples, that dedicated time can be valuable in itself.

Counselling can provide an opportunity to step back from the day-to-day pressures of life, understand some of the patterns within your relationship and begin tocommunicate differently.

How do I know if relationship counselling is right for us?

You don't need to be certain that counselling will work before making an appointment.

If you feel that you are going around in circles with the same arguments, have become disconnected from each other, or are finding it difficult to talk about an important issue, counselling may give you an opportunity to approach things differently.

With my experience of working with couples, I understand that every relationship comes with its own history and difficulties. My approach is to provide a supportive, non-judgemental space where you can both talk openly and work towards understanding what is happening in your relationship.